A blog for anything I feel like saying out loud.
December 15, 2007
Alright, so I have been studying here in Japan for about 3 months now, and though I won't say WHICH university I'm at in Nagasaki, I'll say that I'm very upset with the TEACHERS. I say 'teachers' because it's an insult to the REAL professors to call them professors. In my Japanese History course each week, we have a teacher who just laughs every day as he gives us a test that he knows we won't know the answers to. It's totally ruining my grade, which is killing my chances to get into a medical school since a C is seriously murder to someone trying to get into medical school.
I haven't learned a damn thing since I started school here, I just have had teacher after teacher fail at teaching me anything. I seriously don't even know why they are teaching, and I left a note for them telling them how disappointed I was with the classes here. I won't be studying here anymore after this semester, luckily, and then I will actually be LEARNING things instead of having TEACHERS who don't test on a single damn thing that they "teach" us, or don't teach us anything. On top of that, we can't even plug in our laptops or anything because it's too expensive for the school, despite the fact that I'm paying more than I would at a public university where I would be able to. I seriously rely heavily on the internet and on my laptop, so when they cut me off from that (especially considering they have a tiny library with limited hours and bood checkouts), they are crippling my chances to learn things.
This has been a most disappointing semester, I hope that next semester will be better, when I will be able to study for however long I want, and actually be allowed to plug in my laptop so I can study for more than an hour before my laptop dies on me.
I seriously am very angry at this school, I came to learn and they are trying to stop me from doing that. Why would you try to STOP someone from learning, especially considering I'm planning on being a surgeon. That's just dumb. I want to help people LIVE and they decide that they are going to stop me from learning? That makes me angry.
Anyways, I just needed to rant about this, it's been pissing me off for a while now.
December 15, 2007
Wow, sure has been a long time since I posted anything on here. Not that it matters, since this is basically just my diary online and instead of being private, I HOPE that people read it.
Anyways, I just wanted to post that I now have been with the girl of my dreams for nearly 5 months, and will be staying at her house for 5 days very soon. I am currently in Japan, but I can't wait to get home and see her beautiful face. I am so in love with her. And I can't even begin to explain just how much she means to me, because she really means the WORLD to me!
We already have plans to be getting married, and although we have had a few fights, we talk continuesly for about 3 to 4 hours a day, and know eachother completely. I can actually tell now almost exactly WHAT she wants when she wants it.
To be honest, we already had a major fight, and I broke up with her. Since we started going out (to the point where I broke up with her), she kept reminding me how she was going to "test my love". I didn't like the idea, though I decided that she was worth it, and I kept with her through all the tests, and after each test, I was very hurt. I kept going through all these tests, until finally one day she told me that her family had decided that she and the rest of her family would be moving back to the Philippines, and she convinced me of this for over 12 hours. I cried myself to sleep, though I sent her a message saying that we would work through it together.
The next day, she told me it was just a joke, and when I heard that, I just snapped, and later that day I told her that I couldn't take it anymore and we broke up. For two full days, I was in the most agony I had ever been in my entire life. I kept thinking about suicide and how it would be so easy to stop the suffering of not being with her if I just jumped off a tall building, or stuck a knife through my heart. Every message I got from her was another dagger in my heart, another horrible pain that would probably stay with me the rest of my life. It was in this time that I realized just HOW MUCH I was in love with her.
Two days later, I couldn't take it anymoer and I called her long-distance from my cell phone in Japan to Louisiana, in the United States. We talked for a long time, and it ended with me saying that I missed her, though the truth was that I seriously was in complete agony without her. We ended up getting back together, and I remember very distinctly her telling me that I would be getting something in the mail that day, and sure enough, I got home later that day and I had a bouquet of flowers waiting for me when I got there. I nearly wept as I read the card that came with it. I can't remember the exact message I don't think, but it went something like "I don't usually do this, but will you please be my boyfriend once again?"
That message, even though we were back together, still killls me to hear to this day. I seriously was crying when I read that message. I missed her so much, and I realized just how much I couldn't live without her.
In case you haven't read my previous messages, I am head-over-heals for her. I realized this the most when this break-up happened. I also realized later on just how much of a mistake it was to try to use this break-up to teach her a lesson actually was. I am still trying to prove to her that I will never ever EVER break up with her again, though I completely understand why it would be so hard, especially considering I told her before I broke up with her that I never would, and I did anyways. But now this time I'm serious about her, and I can't live without her.
I seriously can't imagine myself without her anymore. I seriously can't live without her. We both are so completely and truly in love. It's actually the truest love I've ever seen. This is true love.
The reason I am so sure of it being true love despite the fact that I've never in my life been in a relationship before is because it is a long distance relationship, first of all, and second of all, because more than anything in the world, I want her to be happy.
I am very serious when I say that you won't even find love like ours in movies. This love is so pure and perfect, and actually, I will be visiting her again right after this Christmas, for 5 days I'll be staying at her house. Currently, I'm 19 years old, 20 come February, and she just turned 17 last November. I don't care who judges me, because I know how much we love eachother. I seriously trust her with my LIFE. If the most amazing guy in the world came up to her and told her that he loved her, I seriously believe that our love is so great that she would reject him in an instant.
My parents already know that I'm planning on marrying her, and when I go and visit her, I am planning on telling her parent that I plan on marrying her too. I actually kind of suspect that they want me to marry her because when we broke up, I ended up getting a long-distance call from the states to my cell in Japan from her mom asking me what happened and to try to fix things. Crazy as it sounds, that reassured me. I was so happy to hear that even her parents seemed to want me to get back with her.
God really exists, and these events have shown me that he does. I can't even tell you how much meaning my life has now that I have her! I have seriously SERIOUSLY become the HAPPIEST guy in the world since we started going out! I am going to marry her someday. I don't care if anyone criticizes, if you do, fuck you, you don't know a damn thing about love, because true love comes once in a lifetime, and this kind of love only comes along once in a millenium.
So here I sit with my cup of nice warm hot cocoa, thinking about my future, and how I will spend it with the girl who kicks the ass of the girl of my dreams. This life is definitely worth living.
To give you a little bit of a background on me, despite the fact that you probably don't care, I hadn't even held a girl's hand till I met her.
She is my first and last girlfriend, the girl who I am GOING to marry. She was my first kiss, the first girl who's hand I ever grabbed, the first girl I ever told I liked, the first girl I ever brought on a real date, the first girl I ever told I loved. She really is my everything. She is my first, and my last. I'll be damned if I ever have any other girl but her.
Seriously, I can't live without her, I hope she never ever finds this blog, but I really can't live without her, I think I'd die. I can't be without her. Ever.
I am hers. Forever.
July 18, 2007
I know that the girl I love will only be here for another week, and I know the heartbreak that will happen when she's gone, but we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend now! I have to say, even though the way I asked her to be my girlfriend didn't go perfectly, I think it went pretty well! I showed up at her house with a single rose, her favorite flower, and asking her, following up with a nice long kiss too, of course!
I would not mind at all marrying her! I wish she was staying, I wish sooooooo much that she would stay!
Wow, so THIS is what love feels like, huh? I could get used to this! 
July 16, 2007
Yet another adventurous day with the freewriter. I know that this is going to probably get old eventually, but it actually feels good just to do. I recommend trying it sometime.
I had the best day in the world today, the girl I love came over and we got to hang out, play scrabble, etc. Afterwards, she gave me a notebook, and in it was everything I could have ever hoped for! Basically stating that she loves me!
I AM the happiest guy in the world right now, and I'm going to cherish every minute of it! I am writing this just because I can't just let it sit inside me and stay quiet, I need to feel like I'm telling someone, even though nobody actually reads my blog. Hell, I wouldn't.
She's actually younger than I am by a few years, but I love her so much, and I don't want her to move! She told me today that instead of moving this wednesday, she's moving NEXT wednesday! She was worried that I would be upset for having worried so much about this wednesday, but I was just so happy to hear that I got to spend another week with the girl of my dreams!
I just can't express with words how much I love her. And the funnier part is that until recently, I had so much trouble even saying the word "love", in text or otherwise! And now it's not a strong enough word to explain how I feel about her!
I am looking forward to tomorrow so much too! And I'm actually even hoping to meet her dad, who is the captain of one of those cross-continental cargo ships, so I haven't actually met him yet! I really wish she weren't moving! I think I will go out to where she's moving to visit her when I get back from studying abroad this coming semester.
I want to marry her. I can't believe that this is actually what I'm writing, but I'm so in love with her right now, and the wost part is that people keep telling me that I won't in a while, and that I'm just having hormones go crazy. And I know that that's generally true, but the truth is that when it comes to dating, I am the worst at it ever. What I mean is that I rarely EVER date, and kissing is simply out of the question. For some reason I really do lack the hormones to give me any want to do anything with anyone (no, I'm not gay/bi, I just have trouble feeling emotion/feelings/hormones).
But when she's around, I feel so happy and complete, it's crazy! I've only known her for about 2 months, and already I know that she's the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, and the way it's looking right now, she's probably thinking the same thing!
To emphasize how much I don't feel, I've never had a girlfriend before, I've only just recently had my first kiss, and I've had many many attractive girls tell me how much they like me. For some reason, no matter what people say, I never felt like I wanted to actually go out with anyone. Until this girl. And I was the one who asked HER out! Not the other way around.
I'm actually typing this as I fall asleep at my keyboard, same as my first free writing post. I feel like this is the time when all of my thoughts come pouring out. The time when I am the most honest to myself, and therefor to whomever reads this, not that it matters, but it's actually fun to read later and see what I'm actually WRITING since im not actually reading this right now.
Going back on subject, I am in love. I took a nose-dive straight into love. When I'm with her, despite the fact that I have never kissed anyone before her, I just feel like I'm supposed to kiss her! I'm addicted to her! <3
Yes, I realize I just used a heart thing, but I don't care, I'm in love and everything is perfect right now!
My friend who I work with (and have known my ENTIRE life) told me to stop digging my own grave, and that falling in love is only going to end in heartbreak when she actually moves. Even though I know this, I WANT to fall in love with her! I want to have it be the worst heartbreak in the world!
I have always been told to take hold of any arising opportunities, and that an opportunity missed can be the mistake of your life. I'm not going to let this be the mistake of my life. I want to be with her for as long as I can. I wish I could marry her, but we both agree that we're too young to marry just yet!
Because I don't really have any experience in knowing how "love" feels like, this has also been quite a confusing time. I have been stressed to the max trying to find out how to be with her as much as possible while not causing problems for anyone (which due to other things is actually quite the difficult task!).
I love the feel of her lips on mine. It's the best thing in the world! I just love her. I love her so much.
These are the words of a guy who fell in love and is loving every minute of it.
July 16, 2007
Today was the best day of my life.
I got to spend the day with the girl I love, and got the best gift imaginable from her.
A notebook.
I'm so hopelessly in love right now, and it feels great. 
July 16, 2007
This post is gonna just be whatever seems to come out of my fingertips as i think. There is a girl I really like who isn't going to be here in a couple of days. I think im in love with her. I have known her for only a couple of months, and she's a bit younger than me, but I truly love her nonethieless!
I feel like a jigsaw puzzle that has many holes in it from missing pieces, and she very much fills in those holes! She's the most amazing girl i ever met, and at the same time I am afraid of loving her because she's moving.
She has told me that she wants to tell me a secret, but I dont know what it is or what it could possibly be! she told me that I have to wait until tomorrow to hear it, probably because my younger brother also likes her, but he's only two years younger than me. We have very similar interests as far as women go, which makes things complicated considering that she's younger than me (closer to his age), but I still like her!
I went to Starbucks today to buy my favorite drink, and then i saw a couple of bears (which she seems to like very much) and as I was buying my drink, I ended up buying two of the bears, one is a woman, one is a man, and I'm thinking of giving both of them to her, but the girls behind the counter said that it might be a better idea to get both and et her keep the boy bear and I keep the girl doll and say that now she has one and I have one and every time she gets lonely or unhappy, all she needs to do is hug the bear tightly (but not too tightly, they have feelings too ya know! haha, I jest! ), and have it be named "starboy", which is my name she gave me, as well as "yaggy", which has a very interesting story behind it, and if im ever drunk and on here, I might even be so inclined to just "DO it"!
Wow, im falling asleep pretty darn quickly because I took a sleeping pill and I've been doing a little drinking! which apparently makes you tired! haha.
I don't really even know what I'm talking about! I'm reallly just falling asleep at the keyboard and im letting my fingers move and finding out what they write! I think this is gonna be fun to read when im not drunk and tired! Alright, im not really drunk, but I am definitely buzzed!
For some reason I keep thinking about the demonstration for my martial arts school that I participated in! I did a one-handed cartwheel today WITH A SWORD! This might now seem that important to anyone else, but to me it's very important because I only worked on it for an hour and I didnt even pass it then! My master told me that if I had just stuck to the plan as far as when I decided to participate, but lots of things kept getting in and out of my life and i finally decided at the last moment that I would participate! It was so definitely worth it tho!
I am so amazingly tired right now that I feel like I'm falling asleep right now! Which I might do since im just THAT sleepy! I am gonna read this tomorrow and find out what im actually writing. I saw this as an example on "the sixth sense", so I thought that it might be a good idea, so im doing it!
I really wanna know what the secret that my girl is gonna tell me tomorrow, she doesn't know at all how I'm going to react, but she's anticipating the worse, despite the fact that i said that no matter what she tells me, I'd love her no matter what! Which is very much the truth! Even if she said that at she was lesbian, and I didn't get to be with her, I would be happy as long as she's happy!
I'm not gonna lie, I'd be happy for her if she found another guy better than me!
I want her to be happy no matter what! Though I gotta say that I'm slightly hoping that she's gonna say what I think she's going to, which is that she's not gonna move for a while longer!
I would be so amazingly happy if she didn't have to! Unfortunately her father is the one who decided it! He wants to stop being a cargo ship carrier, but live with his family! Which is definitely a noble cause! Unfortunately that means that I might now be able to see her for a good long while! (If ever, of course)
I have already kissed her, but it doesn't seem satisfying! I am going to make out with her tomorrow! Not only that, but I actually plan on making out with her! I really wish she was closer to my age since I love her so dearly! Then I could do whatever I wanted without having to constantly having to worry about keeping secrets.
I'm about to fall asleep, this was free writing, just writting stuff down as long as my fingers can hold out or as long as I don't decide to quit! Kinda a strange combo! haha. But im seriously gonna leavenow, enjoy the blog! haha. 
July 15, 2007
I participate in quite a few martial arts, it's my favorite thing in the world to do (aside from being with the girl I love, of course), and today my martial arts school attended a festival and we had a demonstration.
I am a student studying Haidong Gumdo, which is Korean swordsmanship. I have never been to or done a demonstration before, so this was my first (despite having done it for a few years now). Not only that, but I had to do it on the dry slippery dirt, which i had also never done.
You're probably thinking "well thats no different than doing it on any other surface" and usually you'd be correct, but in THIS case, it was MUCH different. You see, one of the forms I was performing involves doing a one-handed cartwheel with a sword while avoiding the scabbard getting in the way of my leg or the cut that follows it. This means that I had to do a one-handed cartwheel on a slippery surface. When you have a sword (even though it's a practice sword without a sharpened blade), it's a little nerve-racking, especially for the first demonstration you ever do!
Needless to say, I'm pretty damn proud of how well I did, I had only one mis-step and nobody even noticed it since I covered it up so well! I know I probably sound cocky for saying this stuff, but I'm just too happy and proud of myself to just not say anything!
July 07, 2007
This world is rotten. Time to start over.
June 25, 2007
I don't know if I can actually say this but I think I'm in love. I've never actually had a girlfriend, because I am just THAT bad at picking up any of the probably obvious signs of a girl liking me.
You're probably wondering why the post is called "frustration" if I am in love, well, there's an amazingly good reason. She's moving halfway across the country in a couple of weeks. Worst part is I KNOW she likes me too...
I don't know what to do! :'(
I really really REALLY like her, but she's moving away because her father is getting a different job there!
For the first time in my life, I'm physically sick from being so upset! I don't get sad or sick EVER, and for the first time in my life, I'm both at the same time...
Argh..... :'(
June 23, 2007
Alright, well I guess i should start out by saying that I don't care about what you think. What you think doesn't make a difference at all here, so whatever you have to say you can just keep to yourself. Think of this as a more public "diary". I'm just throwing stuff out there that pops into my head, whatever it is. If I offend you, I am not sorry, it's your own damn fault for reading this.
Even though I don't care what you think, I will most likely commenting open for only the comments I approve of. It doesn't have to go by any guidelines other than whether I think your comment is worthy or not of being shown.
Now that all the stuff that probably offends 99% of the world is out of the way, I'd like to say welcome to my blog!
The stuff I post here is just stuff, it might not even make any sense sometimes. I will probably post more on here when I'm in a bad mood, because that's just the way I am. Maybe it's the feeling that if I write it down for "the world" to see, then I feel like that's sufficient enough of a release, I dunno, doesn't really matter to me that much.
I might not even post on here for long periods of time, it'll pretty much probably go in waves, like I have ADD or something (which there is a very high likelihood of). I'm going to post right now that I am NOT emotionally stable all the time, just like any other human being, and that this is more like me than I ever will show in real life or when posting something I KNOW someone will read.
So welcome to my blog, the fact that you even finished reading this post amazes me.
